A 'hello' from Annie Barber, former midwife and founder of Wise & With Child

 

If you're reading this while looking at a growing pile of hospital leaflets, trying to make sense of birth plans, advice from well-meaning friends and family, and everything you've discovered on the internet . . . hello, and welcome!

I'm so pleased you've found your way here.

If we were sitting together around my kitchen table, with a lovely cup of tea, there are a few things I'd really like to share with you.

Things I've come to understand through my years working as a midwife, supporting women and their families through pregnancy, birth and those early days afterwards.

Because preparing for birth is about so much more than knowing what to pack in your hospital bag or when to telephone the maternity unit.

Of course, practical knowledge matters. Understanding what happens during labour, knowing your options and recognising when you might need additional help are all important.

But there's another side to preparation that I think deserves just as much attention.

How you feel.

Whether you feel confident enough to ask questions.

Whether you feel listened to.

And whether the people around you understand how best to support you.

 

Sometimes, in our efforts to prepare for every eventuality, we become so caught up in information, checklists and advice that we forget something rather important.

There is a woman at the centre of all this.
And her experience matters.

 

Birth is something to understand . . . not something to 'get right'

One of the things I've always found remarkable about birth is the way our bodies work.

Labour is an extraordinary physiological process, and there is so much that happens quite naturally, without our conscious direction.

But birth is also unpredictable.

Sometimes labour progresses beautifully with very little assistance. Sometimes a woman needs encouragement, additional pain relief or medical support. And sometimes the safest way for a baby to arrive is very different from the way everyone had imagined.

None of this means that preparation has been wasted, or that a woman has somehow failed.

I believe there is enormous value in understanding how your body works and in creating an environment where you feel as comfortable, private and supported as possible.

Think about how difficult it can be to fall asleep when you're anxious, uncomfortable or constantly being interrupted.

Labour isn't the same as sleep, of course, but the comparison helps us understand why our surroundings and our sense of safety can matter.

A quieter room, familiar voices, freedom to move, warmth, reassurance and people who respect your wishes can all make a difference.

And if medical assistance becomes necessary, those same things still matter.

Knowledge and intuition don't have to compete with one another.
There is room for both.

To the birth partner: you don't need to be a hero

Oh, this is something I would love every birth partner to understand!

You don't need to know everything about childbirth.

You don't need to have all the answers.

And you certainly don't need to feel responsible for making everything go according to plan.

But . . . please don't underestimate the difference your presence can make.

Sometimes it's the simplest things : 

Offering a drink.

Remembering where she's put her lip balm.

Helping her change position.

Knowing when she'd welcome a hand on her back . . . and when she'd rather not be touched at all!

Sometimes it's noticing that she's becoming overwhelmed and gently asking whether she'd like a little 'quiet' in the room.

And sometimes it's simply being there, without feeling you have to 'do' anything.

There may also be moments when she needs your help to ask a question, understand what is being suggested or make sure her wishes are heard.

Your role isn't to speak for her or make decisions on her behalf. It's to help her feel supported in making her own.

I often think that the most valuable thing a birth partner can bring into the room isn't a particular technique.

It's the ability to be a steady, reassuring presence.

And that anchor might be a partner, a mother, a sister, a friend or anyone else she has chosen to have alongside her.

 

Your questions matter

One of the things that can make pregnancy and birth feel overwhelming is the amount of information we're expected to take in.

There are decisions to make, options to consider and sometimes unfamiliar medical language to understand.

And when you're feeling tired, anxious or in the middle of labour, it isn't always easy to take everything in.

So . . . please remember that you can ask questions.

You can ask why something is being recommended.

You can ask what the alternatives might be.

You can ask what could happen if you choose to wait.

And, when circumstances allow, you can ask for a little time to talk things through with the person supporting you.

Something as simple as:

“Thank you. Could you explain that again, please?”

Or:

“Is there time for us to have a few minutes to think about this?”

Of course, there are situations when urgent decisions are needed and time is limited. That's part of the reality of birth, too.

But even when things need to happen quickly, you still deserve kindness, clear communication and respect.

You don't have to understand every medical detail to have a voice in your own care.

And asking questions doesn't make you difficult.

It makes you part of the conversation.

Now, if there's one thing I'd really love you to take away from our little chat, it's this . . . 

There is no single right way to give birth.

There is no gold medal for giving birth without pain relief.

There's no greater achievement attached to a home birth than a hospital birth.

And no reason for a woman who has a caesarean birth to feel that she has somehow done less.

 

Every woman is different.

Every baby is different.

And every birth is different.

 

You can prepare carefully, understand your choices, surround yourself with wonderful support and still find that birth unfolds in a way you hadn't expected.

That doesn't diminish you or your experience.

 

And I think we need to be careful about what we mean when we talk about a positive birth.
For me, it isn't about ticking boxes or achieving a particular outcome.

It is always about the woman at the centre of the experience . . . 

Was she listened to?

Were her wishes respected wherever possible?

Did she understand what was happening and feel involved in decisions about her care?

Did she have the support she needed?

 

These things matter enormously.

And if your birth was difficult, frightening or disappointing, those feelings deserve to be acknowledged too. You don't have to describe an experience as positive simply because your baby arrived safely.

There is room for gratitude and difficult feelings to exist together.

Your worth as a woman, and as a mother,
is never measured by the route your birth takes.

 

A little about 'Wise & With Child'

Perhaps I should tell you a little more about why I'm here.

After many years working as a midwife, I wanted to find a way to share some of the knowledge, experience and understanding I'd gathered along the way.

But I didn't want to create something that simply told women what they should do - 

There's already quite enough of that in the world!

I wanted to help women understand their bodies, explore their options, ask questions and feel confident about making choices that are right for them.

And I wanted to acknowledge something else that I've always felt is important.

That pregnancy and birth aren't simply physical experiences. They can touch us emotionally, mentally and sometimes in ways that are difficult to put into words.

That's how Wise & With Child came into being.

Today, through my book and other resources, I continue to share practical knowledge alongside reflection, intuition and a deep respect for individual choice.

And because the people supporting a woman through birth matter too, I've created 'The Birth Companion', a self-paced guide for partners, family members and friends who want to offer calm, practical and thoughtful support.

A little something for you

If you're preparing for birth and would like to explore some simple ways to feel calmer and more grounded, I've created a free five-day guide called 'Calm Body, Calm Birth'.

It's a gentle introduction to making a little space for yourself, with relaxation and grounding exercises you can explore at your own pace.

You can find it, here, on my website at wiseandwithchild.com

And if you're going to be supporting someone through birth, you might also like to explore 'The Birth Companion - how to support someone you love through birth', my self-paced guide to offering practical, thoughtful and reassuring support.

Because sometimes it's the little things that make the biggest difference.

 

Just before you go . . .

If you're preparing for birth, I hope you'll remember that you don't need to have everything worked out.

You can learn, prepare, ask questions and make plans.

You can change your mind.

You can listen to your instincts and draw upon the knowledge of those caring for you.

And you can ask for help.

Most importantly, you don't have to prove anything to anyone.

Whether you're the woman preparing to give birth or someone who will be standing alongside her, I hope you'll find something here at Nurture & Bloom that helps you feel a little more informed, reassured and confident.

So do come back.

Put the kettle on, pull up a chair . . . there's plenty more to talk about!

With love,

Annie ❤️

 

Annie Barber is a former midwife, author and founder of Wise & With Child, sharing knowledge, encouragement and practical support for pregnancy, birth and the journey into motherhood.